This episode was all about how it all began for Tony. If you’re not familiar with this show or the story, Tony Bourdain was a career chef, working in the business for nearly 30 years until writing a book called Kitchen Confidential that propelled him into notoriety and henceforth into popular culture. This book, which I haven’t read yet, but is definitely on my reading list, is sort of a tell-all expose of the culinary culture of New York City. It garnered much praise and not a little criticism for it’s straight-talking illustrations of the places and names behind some of the Big Apple’s finest eateries.

What I found striking about this episode, though, was the transition from professional chef to professional author, and, ultimately, to professional cable television personality. Tony found himself the subject of a documentary that was filmed over the course of several months in 2000. This was the year that his book was published and he went through this enormous life-change.

Before publishing his book, he appears as a younger, skinnier, less gray (and less tan than now!), version of his current self. What’s interesting is his comfort with where he is in life, with his role as head chef at Les Halles. He is clearly at home in the kitchen, making sure that all the components necessary to a fine meal are in the right place at the right time and prepared to perfection. He is in his element as the person in charge of this kitchen and it’s ragtag staff. He’s downright cocky in his confidence.

Then comes publishing Kitchen Confidential. Then the book tour. Then an invitation to lunch from a local, but world-renowned chef. After his meeting, Tony looks shell-shocked. He’s evidently experiencing some sort of inner crisis as he comes to grips with a life that is quickly changing, not for the worse, but undeniably for the better. He describes with some surprise how he is able to pay his rent on time for the just about the first time in his life. Some exaggeration can be expected, but the sense of seeing a man who believes he has seen a miracle is palpable. His life is forever changed in a positive way.

Fast forward ten years. Tony interjects his own commentary from time to time throughout, but it’s most poignant near the end of the program where he still shakes his head in disbelief that he’s made it. He’s comfortable with his new celebrity, even though it hasn’t gone to his head. He’s less arrogant and firmly grounded in his new reality of traveling, talking, writing celebrity. It’s plain to see that he’s humbled by his successes.

The lessons that I take away from this story are several: Work hard, don’t give up, do what you are passionate about, and accept the changes that come with life. When you follow your passions to their natural conclusions, going with the natural current of your life, there will most definitely be great changes. As in Tony’s case, these changes clearly unsettled him and, I’m certain, simply scared the hell out of him. Ultimately, though, he persevered and grew with his passion and with his life and reached this point of balance where it just works.

I’m reminded of that line from Lord Jim by Joseph Conrad, where the wise old adventurer advises that the title character should be encouraged to “immerse himself in the destructive element.” This was an admonition for the perenially unhappy character, who had failed in his one big chance live up to the heroic ideal he had always dreamed of, to dive into this role regardless of consequence. The alternative would have been drugs or alcohol or wasting away the potential of his life in some menial, ignoble job.

In Jim’s case, he embraced his passionate desire and ended up paying for it with his life, for better or worse. Tony Bourdain shows us another side of the coin. He definitely embraced his passion for cooking, for creating something wonderful out of a list of ingredients and a mob of unruly misfits. But, he continued on to the next step, transitioning from chef to author to television star, never letting the passion consume him, but rolling with the punches and accepting his journey.

The overarching lesson is one of pursuing your own passion while accepting the twists and turns of the currents of life. Don’t shy away from change, but embrace it and realize that it’s part of the journey to personal fulfillment and satisfaction in life.

P.S. For a great interview from one of my hometown papers check out Anthony Bourdain’s Irresistible Impulses.

Maybe you had a fight with that person lying next to you in bed (or sleeping on the couch!) or one of your children. Maybe your mother or father was critical of your life choices last night on the phone and you reacted angrily. Maybe your neighbor’s dog kept you up through the night. Maybe you feel like you’re going nowhere and not making any progress at all on your goals. Maybe…

Isn’t that enough, though? Enough of those nasty little maybes that are ruining your life day by day? There is so much crap that piles up in our minds that makes us feel bad. I’ve written about the topic of mental clutter, dropping bad habits, and, more recently, about the fact that there will be no change in your life if you don’t change.

This idea bears repeating at least once a day. When things aren’t going right, when you’re not feeling right, remember that your discomfort is really a call to action.

Your subconscious will alert you when it feels that you’re on the wrong track. This is where the nagging doubts come in, the sneaking suspicions that you’re making a mistake.

I’m not suggesting that you give in impulsively to these feelings and dump everything in your life (midlife crisis, anyone?). What I’m saying is that these are signs that you should be examining the parts of your life for things that don’t fit, for those little inconsistencies that throw off your sense of self and your feeling of balance.

The problem really is you. I don’t mean that you’re hopelessly messed up, even though you might be. What I mean is once again that the change has to come from you.

Examine your thoughts for a moment and figure out what’s bugging you. What are the little things in your life that are driving you nuts? These are the things to focus on first and make some changes.

Face the facts: No one is going to rescue you.

It’s scary, but empowering to realize that you really are in control of your own life. You are the star of your own show. You are in charge!

So, when I say that it bears repeating every day that the problem is you, I’m really saying that you should remind yourself every day that you are the one in charge of your own destiny. You can make any changes you want to make. There will always be consequences for making these changes, but you can get motivated and do things that will improve your life.

Today as I left the office for lunch, I noticed a lot of people walking around outside. I work in a suburban area that is filled with office parks. I wouldn’t really describe them as parks, but that’s the term you hear most often. Anyway, many people who work in these office buildings spend part of their lunch time walking around in the parking lots for exercise, sunlight, fresh air, etc.

What I was noticing today was how many people wander about alone in these parking lots. Sure, there are a number who walk in groups, but so many are out there alone. There’s nothing wrong with that, but many of them were walking like zombies. They seemed to stagger alone grimly with furrowed brows and tense shoulders. They didn’t look happy at all.

So, when am I going to talk about change? Now. What occurred to me was that these people were dying for change. I would bet that they would have given a lot to get out of their current employment situation. It could be that they were having other problems in their lives, but my first thought was that they hated their jobs.

Making a change would save them, right? It would change their lives, their sense of happiness and self-worth. Everything would be better, wouldn’t it? No.

At first, everything probably would be better for them. They would wake up each day with the thrill of starting something new and go through the workday with the passion and energy of a new lease on life. How is this bad? It’s not bad. It’s just an illusion.

This is the grass is greener mentality that keeps most of us shuffling from one unhappy situation to another throughout our lives. I don’t mean that the grass isn’t greener. It most certainly is greener in some places than in others.

The real problem is that when most of us make a change in our lives, it’s quite often just a matter of degree of difference. We leave one crappy job with a boss we don’t like for another one in the same industry requiring the same skills and where we do something very similar while reporting to someone who, after a while, we come to dislike as much as the last one. WTF?

Really, there’s something to be said for changing jobs and staying the same field, moving up in responsibility and advancing your career. That’s a great idea if that’s your plan. However, if you’re going from one dead end job to another because you’re dying for a change, why are you repeating the same mistake over and over again?

Of course, the same can be said of other changes in life. You could be talking about relationships, houses, social clubs, hair stylists. You name it.

The bottom line is this: if you’re going to make a change, make it count! Make this change one that really changes your life for the better. Take a risk and go for something that really excites you. Don’t turn into another parking lot zombie.

I’m not writing this to denigrate the perfectly nice older woman who served us today. Quite the contrary, I actually feel sorry for her because I know what it’s like to work at something that’s not inspiring. It’s hard not to give the impression that you just don’t care.

Normally, people are pretty good at feigning interest, whether it’s towards a job, a movie, or a conversation. There’s probably a huge amount of fake enthusiasm going on right at this moment. Think of all the bright smiles, nodding heads, and forced laughs in job interviews. Awful, isn’t it?

A quick test of whether you’re faking it is to ask yourself if your outward body language and facial expression match your inner dialogue. If not, then, guess what? You’re faking it!

This is not to say that all fakery in life is bad. Much of what goes on is necessary for a society to function without all of us tearing each other’s throats out. Victorian politeness rose out of just such a necessity.

No, the most awful thing about all of this is the feeling behind the fake smiles. Really, it’s the lack of feeling other than, perhaps, disgust and rejection. Why do so many people go through life like this?

Is it a reaction to the horrors of modern life? This sounds funny on the surface, but think about the real lack of challenge in our daily lives in the Western world. It’s perfectly normal to coast through life without being under any realistic threat of missing a meal or Human beings evolved to react immediately to stimuli in their environment. Modern life dictates that we suppress these reactions or delay them to an appropriate time.

Maybe we are so used to suppressing our real feelings about things that we really don’t feel them any more. We don’t allow ourselves to notice that we feel things so that we can get through the day, the terrible, relentless boredom of much of daily life. Apathy is just our defense mechanism against this horror.

What is it that motivates us to do a task or start a project that we’re not all that enthusiastic about? We may be wholeheartedly in favor of the goal that is to be achieved, like organizing my new place, but it’s still a terrific struggle to get moving toward this goal. Those first little steps can be so difficult for some that they are literally never taken.

I’ve found this to be a factor in many areas of my life. While I can find the energy to get up and go to work every day, take care of my family, and take out the garbage, etc, getting beyond the basics almost takes an act of God. Why is it so hard to find time to put away boxes from the move, go to the gym, practice guitar, or write a few pages of a novel?

Thinking back on the last couple of months, the most progress we made in clearing out the boxes and organizing our home was when we had guests coming over to celebrate my daughter’s birthday. We worked our butts off for hours because we wanted to make a good impression on my wife’s parents. This is despite the fact that they are easy-going people who are not at all judgmental.

Regardless, we were able to make some great improvements in the time before our guests arrived. This underscores the importance of having some sort of outside influence as a motivator towards those projects that we’re having trouble starting. With this in mind, I have a few thoughts that may be helpful in kick-starting stalled progress towards our worthy, but rusty goals:

1. Find a motivator outside yourself. Whether it’s inviting guests over to impose a hard deadline on cleaning your apartment, or taking a creative writing class with weekly homework, sometimes it’s necessary to have someone hold you responsible for meeting your goals. Invite friends over to your place, then, or take a class in writing or guitar playing or pilates where there will be someone expecting you to deliver something tangible on a regular basis.

2. Multitask the simple stuff. If you have a box of papers sitting in the corner of your living room that needs to be sorted or shredded, grab a beer, pull up the box, and turn on that Breaking Bad or Californication that you’ve been waiting to watch on the DVR. OK, ladies, you’re allowed to watch Dancing with the Stars. While you’re watching, sort a few papers, you can shred during the commercials instead of fast-forwarding.

3. Focus on the built-in rewards. Having a clean, well-organized place makes you feel good. I don’t think anyone really likes living in a cluttered space. Similarly, it also feels good to work out, to burn away all the stresses that have been building up like clutter in your soul. This isn’t always the best motivator, obviously, because even though we know these things, we don’t always get started. This leads us to another step:

4. Make it fun. If you’re having trouble going to the gym, then it’s probably not fun enough for you to even want to begin. The answer to this is to mix it up. Do something different that will stimulate your motivation and build some excitement and interest. The treadmill is boring? Then join a hiking group or Krav Maga (brutal, but effective Israeli martial art) class. If the story you’ve been working on no longer gets your juices flowing, try writing about something completely different, a topic that you’ve never explored before.

5. Get a partner. I’m not saying that you should go sign up for e-harmony, but aligning yourself with a friend or family member who also needs a little encouragement toward a common goal can be an enormous benefit. Even if it’s someone from work whom you can trade updates with during lunch once a week, this can be the one thing that motivates you to do something before that next lunch date. Maybe you can talk your spouse or neighbor into trying out rock-climbing and then if you both like it, turn it into a regular exercise thing.

I hope that these ideas will prove useful for you. It’s the result of my reflecting on the issues affecting my own life and my own lack of progress toward certain goals. Living a successful and productive life means filling your days with positive activities that benefit you and the people around you. Feel free to leave a comment and tell me about your own experiences.

Since I wrote that last post, we’ve been busy, busy, busy with work, school, family, and everything else that seems to happen these days. We’ve continued to put away a few things here and there, not always hitting our goal of emptying one box per day, but sometimes exceeding that.

One thing that I’m trying to conquer is that it’s really difficult to sustain that motivation from day to day. After working all day and fighting through 30 miles of traffic each way while answering emails and taking calls on the Blackberry, all I want to do when I get home is kick back and have a cold beer. Unfortunately, I’ll never make any progress on anything other than work if I let myself do that.

While it’s a good thing to be successful in your job, it’s also vitally important to spend time on your home life. Just as a healthy body is key to a healthy mind, a healthy home life is key to a healthy work life. Everything we do is connected in some way.

It’s important to keep motivating yourself in order to keep moving toward the goals you’ve set for yourself. I’m thinking about motivation a lot lately as there are areas in my life I’d like to improve, but I’m finding it hard to get started (like exercise!). I have a few ideas on this that I’m going to put together into a new post in the next few days.

This has honestly always bothered me. I’ve worked hard to build up habits that will get me where I need to be on time and to drop those bad habits that get in the way of timeliness. I’ve met with some success over the years, but the underlying issue of tardiness has stuck with me.

I’m getting a little introspective here, but I believe all this may be due to some inner rebellion against society. Call it my own little revolution against the man. I just want to do my own thing without having to worry about some arbitrary set of rules imposed by someone else.

This sounds a bit childish, I’m sure. Like most people, I definitely see the value in being on time. It’s essential to be on time or early to a job interview. There are also other situations where it’s vital to be on time (like, catching a plane). Being habitually late is generally considered a sign that a person isn’t dependable, too. This can be a difficult label to overcome once it’s applied.

There is also a bright side to being late, though. It occurred to me recently that many times when I’ve been late, there has definitely been a reason. I’m almost always doing something that is valuable to me, something that is, in that moment, far more important than whatever it is I might be rushing out to do. In fact, there’s a huge opportunity cost in stressing yourself to always be on time.

Thinking back, there have been many times I’ve taken just a few extra moments to enjoy that last sip of excellent coffee, a few more words of conversation with a loved one or a good friend, another long hug and “I love you” from one of my children, or a few minutes more of closeness with someone I love. How can you place a value on these precious moments?

These are the times that will be most important to you when you look back on your life. No one is going to eulogize you and say how great you were because you were always on time. No one will wipe away a tear and comment on your excellent punctuality. However, many will remember those precious few moments that you spent with them, doing something you love with someone you love.

Near the bottom of the article, though, it struck me that the same advice he gives in the article works well for dealing with disappointment:

If any of this makes you mad, that’s a step in the right direction. Anger is a higher level of consciousness than apathy, so it’s a lot better than being numb all the time. Any emotion — even confusion — is better than apathy. If you work through your feelings instead of repressing them, you’ll soon emerge on the doorstep of courage. And when that happens, you’ll have the will to actually do something about your situation and start living like the powerful human being you were meant to be instead of the domesticated pet you’ve been trained to be.

This is great advice. Instead of just letting the disappointments and stresses of life kick our butts, we need to use them as motivation to move forward. Yes, it’s incredibly difficult to change the habits that have gotten us entrenched in bad situations, but if we’re able to channel that emotion, that discontent, that extreme discomfort, into something useful, there are tremendous strides to be made in success, satisfaction, and happiness.

I went through a range of emotions as I came to terms with the result of my efforts and as I thought about it, I realized it might be helpful for me to write about. I find a kind of catharsis in writing and also feel that some of you may benefit from my experience as well.

I’m no psychiatrist, but I do believe there are stages that a person goes through in dealing with disappointment just like when grieving. In fact, disappointment could be seen as a loss of opportunity that certainly could trigger the grieving process. With that said, here are the steps that occurred to me:

1. Be hurt. It’s OK. It’s likely that a lost opportunity will leave you with injured pride or injured feelings. Don’t fight this feeling. Just let it happen, but don’t dwell there for long in self pity. Let it go.

2. Allow yourself to be angry. Maybe not everyone will feel this way, but I found myself getting angry after the initial shock passed. This is another emotion that’s useful, but only in the short term in this case. Let it be a motivator to further progressive action, but don’t allow it to fester and consume you. As with hurt, just let it go.

3. Take a little time. Yes, take a breather for a little while and let things sink in. It often helps to give these things a day or two to sink in. With a good night’s rest or two, your perspective on events will begin to change and the other emotions will begin to fade.
Count your blessings.

4. Count your blessings. I’m sure if you consider for a moment you’ll see that there are many good things in your life. Things aren’t as bad as they may seem at times. It may take a bit more than a couple of days, but let yourself enjoy the good things about the life you have.

5. Put a positive spin on events. As you realize that there definitely are good things in your life, spend some time casting the events of your disappointment into a better light. Don’t misunderstand that I’m advising you to lie to yourself. Far from it. What I would like to stress is that there are different ways to view the things that have occurred. You can choose to view them from a positive perspective or you can dwell on the negative. It’s your choice.

6. Get back on the horse. After you’ve taken some time and worked through the earlier stages of this process, it’s time to get back to work. Whatever your disappointment was, don’t allow it to haunt you through life. Remember that there will always be some disappointments and failures in life and that those who overcome the trials are the ones who will be successful. There’s no other path to success.

I truly hope that these steps are of some value to you. Taking the time to write about this topic has been a positive experience for me and I’m ready to get back to work. How about you?

I have to admit, though, that there are some things I don’t care for at my new job. Some of these are pretty minor and easily overlooked. Others are potentially cause for greater concern. The question here is how much can you really change about your job?

I’ve blogged about how to know when it’s time to change jobs, but how about making changes to your current job to make it more suitable, more palatable on a daily basis? Is this really a valid option?

I think this is an important question for many people who are dissatisfied with at least some aspect of their employment situation. We spend so much time at work, going to and from work, and thinking about work that any positive improvement will have a great impact on our overall well being.

My own sense of the answer to this question is pretty straightforward: it’s been my experience that things are not likely to change much for the better if you start making complaints at work. Many employers have a hard time dealing with the idea that their company or their management style isn’t unanimously viewed as perfect.

Sure, some managers are certainly reasonable people who are open to suggestions. However, there is usually more to creating a substantial change in the workplace than just changing the mind of one person. Most companies have set policies that tend to be fairly rigid due to employment regulations and in order to minimize the potential for litigation.

This all tends to provide a very large barrier to any meaningful change at work. Often the person making a complaint is thereafter viewed with suspicion and branded as disloyal. After this point has been reached, there is really no other option for the employee than to find another job.

I know I’m sounding pretty jaded here, but I do think there are some instances where you can change things at work for the better. These changes have to come from you, the employee, though. If you can change the way you work or change the way you think about work, then this can have a tremendous positive effect on your working environment and will most likely change the way others in the workplace view you, and ultimately, how they treat you.

This isn’t to say that changes can’t be made by speaking to the appropriate person in charge. I do think this is possible in some cases, but it has to be approached in such a delicate, diplomatic way that it’s often too dangerous to even attempt.

I’d love to hear what any of you have to say about making changes in your workplace. Feel free to leave a comment with any insights or stories you may have.